The End of Era.

Maybe. After more than a decade of tireless dedication, I think it's finally over. Masturbation has become as frivolous as ironing a rope. (terrible analogy, but it was the first goodish one to come to mind.) I have been giving myself orgasms for Years, in some instances stating that it felt better than sex, but now it's not even worth the lotion I use. Maybe this is my punishment. Such a cruel cruel condemning from the Creator. I suspect that if ever I kill a man, I will lose my taste for music. Since it will be the equivalent of death anyway. I didn't find it necessary to blog here when I made it to Spain. I didn't find it necessary to blog here when I made it to Africa. But masturbation isn't enjoyable anymore, gotta write this down! haha terrible.

And I shall return Shaquille Sunflower

 Skip to 6:42

I've been searching for something that's not there and it fucking sucks.
I keep reaching out and getting slapped back down to reality. it's just not there.

I won't get very specific in this post because it gets deep and there's a void in many of the aspects of my life but I need help. I need

Relief.

I need revitalization.

I definitely may come back from Europe calling myself Sunflower or some shit. lol

but really.

Moral Schizophrenia

might as well be my middle name.

Fuck. 

So many things I'm moved to do and either don't know why I do or end up just hating the fact that I did it. 

Corny shit. 

Lame shit. 

Hurtful shit. 

Despicable shit. 

Dumb shit. 

Thirsty shit. 

Just things that if I harbor on for 2 minutes, I'm going to regret. I really don't like that I do it and do it so often. I really need to rectify the situation. 

Hopefully it will get better with time because I do it a lot less now. and I would like to think that I'm maturing.

BUT

the impulses are stronger when they occur. which could spell disaster. 

Today is June 13th.

I will be participating in a graduation ceremony at UCLA today. I will put on a gown and a hat that signify I have completed my degree. 

I don't understand what is happening. lol 

My emo post may follow this one but at this very moment I'm nearly speechless. I just cannot believe that I am finishing my undergraduate degree. I'm not super proud of myself to where I wear a fucking smirk everywhere I go. And I'm not going to downplay it enough to not attend the three ceremonies. 

But I really don't know how to feel. I know I have a cry in me though. I feel it. Because I'm happy. 

Yeah, I'm happy. 

laaa daaaaa da dahh

All I write is papers.
All I write is papers. 

I'ma muhfucking.....
I'ma muhfucking.....

All I write is papers. Papers. 
All I pop is collars. Collars. 

I'm a muhfucking SCHOLAR. 
I'm a muhfucking SCHOLAR. SCHOLAR. 

Years Later

And I'm still finding out how much of a hoe you were(/are. [Promiscuity] ain't never squashed, it slow down sometimes.) 
That is some serious debauchery.

fuck.

And everyone except Vanessa wanted me to be blind.
She a real one for that.

UCLA

I am leaving this place a COMPLETELY different person than I was arriving.
Way more facial hair.
Way more muscle.
Way less bullshit.
or way more. who knows.

Music ear broadened.
Liver tainted.
Limits tested.
Thoughts expanded.
Networked quintupled.

And before I get my degree, I am going to blow that bitch (my network) up.

I will be ridiculously well off. I will be described as a Rich Uncle

.Period.  And so will Victor. I love it.

Z

*I just realized......*



How fucking ironic.

God is a troll.

"too turnt"

What I should have responded was "too disappointed."

You know that's not the route for you, Kuhz. Liquor has not been kind to you, me, or Us. I told you I didn't want to hear from you and for good reason. At this point, you represent a grave disappointment in myself, one which I am not ready to truly assess.
So don't bring that nonsense back into my world. Or I will be forced to address you like I did.

Given our history and your significance, it kind of hurt to be that harsh to you. Especially while you were inebriated. But seriously, what were you thinking hitting me up anyway? ..Moving on. Despite my undeserving rudeness to you, something in me feels as if you respected it and appreciated it. Perhaps you even saw it as refreshing. Maybe you needed it.

Whatever the case, until I am ready to deal with my own demons.. you will.

What I have done tonight, I want to do for the rest of my life.

I scoured the internet for new music and found it.
I counseled my close brother about a major move.
I studied Spanish.
I researched. some highly revered and secretive shit.
I saw my girl.
I ate hot fries.


If you gave me this order of events scrambled throughout the rest of my days...

I'd take it.

With everyday, I realize

You're an angel.

And I am a demon impersonating one.

We both know that you're not too good for me but you are too good for me.

Something is telling me more than ever that I have to free you. But with my characteristics of a demon. I am selfish. Maybe it's the God in me that will not let you go.

And you're so beautifully naive, you don't want me to leave.

I just can't live my life like this.

my attention span is the bane of my existence.

Before I even turn one, I'm completely over this shit. This stage anyway.
I am currently getting about 40% of what I bargained for. Nah, 33%. That's serious failure right there.

Ain't no sense in complaining.
Don't nobody wanna hear that shit.

The worst part though, is that I live most of my life like that and whenever I am looking for just a little slack, a little affirmation that "yeah, you really are going hard. I feel for you," I get a "yeah, that's life. I'm doing such and such so you gotta make sacrifices" or a "better deal with that shit". Am I that much of an asshole to where I don't dish out sympathy so I don't receive the slightest resemblance of it? And I'm not even looking for sympathy.

shit only makes me colder, yo.
Nigga just wanna experience the warmth. fuck.

Will I ever know

what it feels like to lean on someone else? Will I forever feel the pressure to be perfect and the upstanding citizen for everyone?

Someday soon I'll type my word vomit and post it.

Real Soon.

I just wanna smoke weed 
and sip lean
by the quart.

2014. YOD

Year of Deception