And I shall return Shaquille Sunflower

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I've been searching for something that's not there and it fucking sucks.
I keep reaching out and getting slapped back down to reality. it's just not there.

I won't get very specific in this post because it gets deep and there's a void in many of the aspects of my life but I need help. I need

Relief.

I need revitalization.

I definitely may come back from Europe calling myself Sunflower or some shit. lol

but really.

Moral Schizophrenia

might as well be my middle name.

Fuck. 

So many things I'm moved to do and either don't know why I do or end up just hating the fact that I did it. 

Corny shit. 

Lame shit. 

Hurtful shit. 

Despicable shit. 

Dumb shit. 

Thirsty shit. 

Just things that if I harbor on for 2 minutes, I'm going to regret. I really don't like that I do it and do it so often. I really need to rectify the situation. 

Hopefully it will get better with time because I do it a lot less now. and I would like to think that I'm maturing.

BUT

the impulses are stronger when they occur. which could spell disaster. 

Today is June 13th.

I will be participating in a graduation ceremony at UCLA today. I will put on a gown and a hat that signify I have completed my degree. 

I don't understand what is happening. lol 

My emo post may follow this one but at this very moment I'm nearly speechless. I just cannot believe that I am finishing my undergraduate degree. I'm not super proud of myself to where I wear a fucking smirk everywhere I go. And I'm not going to downplay it enough to not attend the three ceremonies. 

But I really don't know how to feel. I know I have a cry in me though. I feel it. Because I'm happy. 

Yeah, I'm happy. 

laaa daaaaa da dahh