In Other News..

All of these bitches is ON mey. All of these bitches is ON mey. All of these bitches is ON mey. All of these bitches is on meeeyyyy. All of these bitches is ON mey. All of these bitches is ON mey. All of these bitches is ON mey. All of these bitches is ON meeeyyyy.

How am I so hurt and I did the breaking up? Fuckkk shitt.... lol

(in regards to my ANS posts.)

When you realize you wrote the same post 2 weeks apart from each other so you know it's real.

When does the real healing take place?

Every goddamn day.

Spent years bitching about how I needed to let you go. And how I knew it was coming. And How I was a demon and you an angel and I was only holding you back. And it was only a matter of time. and look at me now. Can't take a sip of water without thinking of you. Spending every day in regret, inundated with what ifs. If only I woke up in 1827 Veteran with you by my side. But then I wake up. And I realize that.. Life doesn't work like that. And you're gone. And it will never be the same if it is Ever again. TBH I wouldn't want it to be the same. But with every passing day I feel as though there is a shift in energy and you're doing just fine and have completely healed. actually, bullshit. there's a piece of me that THINKS you still think of me, but that's the side that's full of shit. You're really gone. wow.

A year later. I still run it all back in my head. Wishing I had done everything better. with more maturity. Wishing I never hurt you. Wishing I didn't blow my blessing off. but I'm immediately confronted with the realizations that we'll never be and may not have been meant to be. I'll never be in love again.

I fucking hate blogger and/or my lack of knowledge on how to customize this blog to be what I need it to be!

Joining the gym tomorrow. also plan to get the road to meditation underway. My life is changing so rapidly that sometimes it does not feel like my own.

Stacy is pregnant. Alexaundrea has a boyfriend that isn't named Tr'Vel or called "me" or "I" my core is rocked. [much more by the latter statement than the former. I won't care much tomorrow, she's grown and has a great familial support system, she'll be fine. It's just that I recently found out and it brought me this eerie level of consciousness.] *Edit: less than a week later and I completely forgot lol told you I didn't really care.

Bearing my soul in any type of way is always taxing. Whenever I legitimately share things that I'm not quick to share, it physically affects me. There are certain things that I experienced, that are personal but I have no problem sharing. On the other hand, certain things, like my innermost thoughts and feelings towards this existence and my connection to the world seriously make me feel vulnerable. Sn: I seriously think I'm going to lock my hair because since I've been growing it I've been on some completely other stuff. But back to my soul. I need to do what I need to do to become completely acquainted before it's too late. Some days I really feel like I'm nearing the end of my movie.

"My father is going to hear about this!"

Money? No problem. The fucking sense of entitlement that often comes with it? Fuck you and the Mclaren you rode here in, bitch. Rich folk swear to God everything should be perfect for them. I really don't give a fuck about your money. I really think I'm going to have to humble my monetary aspirations because although I've learned to work for someone, I really don't like it. I don't even like the language. "My boss." Fuck outta here. My "Supervisor." Gotta announce restroom trips and ask to eat? Nah. Dame Dash was right. That's like having a Daddy. I'm cool on that.

In the meantime, I lied on my taxes. The shit has hit the fan and I'm punching out 15 pages of words that are not my own just to turn a lie to truth.

Oh I just can't waittttttttt

Till the time in which I don't think about you every day. I try to fantasize about the time that we're back together and we discuss this time apart but I can't. I'm getting pettier by the moment. Getting over you without hatred is hard. But I love myself more and I Need to keep hatred out of my heart. So this process will be long but it will be a one time thing.

Every night before I go to sleep

I think of you getting fucked and loving it. I'm obsessing. I get glimpses of you sucking a dick that doesn't belong to me and moaning like you've never had an orgasm before. I have walking nightmares of you pillow talking with some other male about my inadequacies. In and out of the bedroom. It's taking my all not to hate you. Because I can't help feeling like you feel like I'm watching every time that you're fucking him and you feel satisfaction in breaking my heart. Using every technique I taught you/or guided you in acquiring to further haunt my psyche. It's an act of God that I do not hate you. But how could I? You're only doing what I told you to do. What I BEGGED you to do. I all but physically pushed you in his arms and now I want to cry foul and say that you broke my heart and ask HOW? WHY? What caused you to do such a thing? Am I not a child to feel devastated by my own doing? Maybe. But something I do know is that, my life often imitates art. Our situation is that of Big Brother Almighty and Jane in School Daze. This was your last test. I was all but convinced that you were mine forever and that no fiber in you could even desire another man. As foolish as that is, I was almost convinced that I had found the one God sent for me. If you could hold out, just for a few more months. I would have come to you on bended knee. I mean, fuck.(1 of) your favorite movie(s) is The Notebook and Noah waited 7 years. and now. You're allowing another human being to stick his bare dick into your vagina. The walls of heaven have come crashing down around me. Truly. I put you on such a pedestal. One maybe you did not even want to be on, but it was out of your control. And for you to do this, revealed that you are not the woman I thought you were. The sucky part is that you have done nothing wrong or illogical in the slightest. There was no logic in waiting on me. But what I want you to remember is two things: 1. You told me people in between us don't matter. Once we're back together they vanish. 2. You told me that you don't get into RELATIONSHIPS without the mindset that you and that man are moving towards marriage. So what the fuck am I supposed to think by you making this person your boyfriend. and proclaiming that to me. Regardless of where my dick has been, I waited. I never fell for anyone. I never let anyone feel close. I never allowed anyone to feel like they could take your place. If they revealed to me that they did feel that way, I cut them from my life. I am Still waiting. But it all seems futile. This is all karma. I thought my karma would come in an innovative, metaphoric way, but you are just doing everything right back to me. And I am supposed to be on the other end waiting like you were. But i've never been so hurt by a woman in my life. I don't think I can forgive you. I damn sure can't forget you. I'm not coming to your fucking wedding. I have officially dropped the bullshit. I apologize for picking it up. I don't want you with anyone, in my mind we never broke up. Which perhaps is why this hurts so much. I just needed some time to grow. away from you. But I never said I didn't want you. and you get another fucking boyfriend. it's an act of God I do not hate you, girl. I never want to give someone else this power again. Fuck this feeling. I will heal because biology is real and people heal themselves. So fuck it. Thank you for making me stronger. *I want to tell you fuck you so much but I can't. so Peace. *I want to call you a bitch so badly but I can't. bye Tea.