Hey.

Your face. You know, that thing that covers your skull?

I hate that shit.

that is all.

The second that I take these braces off. . which at this point is about 400+ days away, I want to smash and burn them.

that is all.

Well this is confusing. .

To my love,

It has become apparent that I do not want to go days without interaction with you, (euphemism for 'cannot live without you') and that is something I'm okay with. At times I feel like we will not last but those days are brilliantly combated whenever I see you or am around you. While my youth beckons me to live recklessly, bouncing from woman to woman, indulging in my young age, it is my overwhelmingly deep attachment to you that keeps me from doing anything that would hurt you.

lost train of thought. .

it's currently 5:30 in the morning.

I feel casually clingy, which I know is an oxymoron but it is just crazy. I want you, if I was to have anybody. No other girl is as reliable and supportive, and outright beautiful to top it off. You're easily one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, and without a doubt the most beautiful I have ever been with. Yes, sometimes I feel like you do not, and will not understand me. Yes, our views on life are completely skewed but . . more like 'so'. . why are you dealing with me and vice versa? Do you only like the idea of me in a very Tyler Perry-esque type of way? Meaning, "intelligent, God-fearing, Black men are so hard to find. If you get one, hold on to them Are you battling your inner thoughts (couldn't think of another phrase) only in hopes that you'll convert me to Christianity and completely my views altogether. If you seek to ultimately change me then I'm utterly saddened to tell you that you are wasting your time.

I love you.
always will.
I don't want to see you with any other person. Sadly, if that happens, I will not want to further communication with you.
At least not at this point.
And I think that you'd be okay with that anyway.

No caption needed, love. I just hope you know.

The next broad I hear say something like, "I think like a guy," I know what's up. All three chicks I've heard say this and dealt with afterwards. . Weren't.exactly.frigid. smh

I think their sexual habits bother me so much because their recklessness puts me in danger. And since some diseases could take years to appear, I'm still not in the clear. All I do is just shake my head. This picture is 100% true, word to moms.

I absolutely hate the way I've been feeling.

I love feeling feelings. I just hate not knowing why I am feeling them. Is something missing? Is something too much?

I really think it's Alex. She hasn't been acting the same and my brain has been WONDERING. Like. Crazy. I've almost convinced myself that she wants to be with someone else. Just about. I've pulled two UNNECESSARY AS FUCK all nighters and I've had shit food and I've shat for dear life all in the last 3 days. Oh and I haven't lifted at all. It's safe to say that week 9 is a big fat FAIL. Fuckkkk, Alexaundrea. It sucks the most because I know you're affecting me like this. I don't want anyone else. You're a perfect fit in my life right now. I've been playing "Clean" all day because of you.

"Say what you will. Say what you meann. You could never offend. Your dirty words come out clean...." *continues to sing in my head.

Tr' Vel,

You are going to lose your bone/meat/cheese. Stop worrying about stupid shit. I understand that you love being proved right about distrusting people. You know very few men deserve your trust, 4 at this point, and no women at all. You have no reason to worry about anything but Alexaundrea. She's who cares about you. And as of yet, you haven't found in her any untruthfulness. Your last venture was an example for a lot of women in this world. We got burned. We learned a lesson. And before her, we got scorched. And before her, we got destroyed. So I understand, Brother. I know how shiesty these females can be, but you have the best one you know. Ha, do you understand that????? The best chick you know tells you she loves you!! You.fucking.Idiot! You need to appreciate her more! Now.

but just for tonight, let us be assured that we were not crazy. .She could not/can not/will not be trusted as far as they can be smelled. . Don't ever distrust your gut, G. Your gut has never spoken against Alex, until recently so keep her close.

After Tonight.

I'm humbled. .

I'm hardened.

I'm contemplative.

and

Apparently,

I ain't shit.

Yet.

God is Love. My Love is Music.

Therefore. . .

skip the title. . got to get this out before I lose the inspiration or the battery on my now dying computer. .

It amazes me how we, as humans, continuously become so possessive over things that, not only, Don't belong to us but Never did! Prime motherloving (sorry, Moms saw how vulgar my blog voice can be and it has me messed up. . I'll be back soon) example. Significant others. Unless you did some highly illegal incest type stuff, or you married your slave, your significant other will Never. . I repeat NEVER be Yours. A piece of paper (marriage license) or overly expensive ring will never prove such. We all crap (this is killing me!) sleep and eat and none of us have legitimate power over the other. They are going to do what makes them happy at the end of it all, if they have any sense, that is. And it perplexes me that we get so upset about such an infinitesimal aspect of our lives. I no longer believe in that "one soulmate" bs. Why not? I just told you, it's BS. Too many people on this world. Too many people on it before us. Too many similarities. Too many attractions. You don't "find a soulmate". You never will. You stop searching when you are content. As you should, but still, don't go out there thinking that there is only one. It's wishful thinking, but I mean, damn. - I now have to scroll to the top to see why I started this post. lol *This 2 Door cinema has me going*

Oh Right! Moral of the post, unless you date someone who hasn't had anyone before you, throw that possessiveness out of the window. Man is motivated by happiness and pleasure. If you are fitting, you will fill the void, there's rarely much more to it than that. Just to prove my point. . Divorce. You don't sincerely get married if you don't think they are "the ONE for you." So what happens? They stop being themselves? The selves they were born as and were before they knew you? Do all marriages end because somebody "changes" or are they no longer filling that void? Furthermore, to sort of stomp out that "soulmate" concept. How about that one little thing, ahh, you know, RE-MARRYING. And every time, they swear to the God they promised to that they're REALLY the one. FUCK outta here.

*wheewww, that felt good. =]

The fastest way to my heart. .

is through my music.

I have aunts, a mother, a grandmother, who cook for me and the food tastes damn good. Granted my woman should outlive them, food isn't a big thing for me. Don't buy me shit, it makes me feel awkward. Don't do me too many sexual favors because my cumming mannerisms will soon invoke some sort of insecurity. So you want to know what makes me click? My musiccc. *creepy CH voice* It sucks that my current girl doesn't like my music, and I don't like hers too much either. The thing is, women that I mess with, yelp that I don't let them in, but they know I live through my music. check my Recently Played or some shit. I have music for every mood. Music does something to me, much more than I have ever felt with a woman. Now music can't give me head so good to where I couldn't open my eyes or un-ball my toes for the life of me, but I do believe, if I let it, music can make me cry from pure bliss. . That, has never even come close to happening with a woman. Don't think it ever will. Know how I know? the best thing feeling a woman can give me is an orgasm. Know what else? I've had hundreds of those. Big. fucking. Deal. The woman that makes me feel so good that I don't need music, is the woman I will marry. Period.

Tat my fucking name on you so I know it's Real!

that is all. . .

I'll never trust another woman. .

Wouldn't u like to know how this pans out. . I'm sleepy and hungry. Give me till 2mrw.

for now, a little Zzzzz and I'm on my way back to Los Angeles.

I have to get a hold on my mouth. I talk too much.

always wanted to write this down.

I gambled twice. Lost twice.

next time, it's death.

"You're a dog"

I cannot recollect being referred to as such. But if the day ever comes, she won't get much of a rebuttal from me. On second thought, she damn sure will, just not on the grounds that she intends to hurt me with. I'm easily pleased, I try my hardest to be loyal to those who have been loyal to me. I eat and shit like there's something tearing away the lining of my stomach. But. I have no master. I don't, at this moment, depend on anyone. And I'm as possessive as they come. So much so, it bothers me dearly. I can be incredibly happy with the girl I'm with, Alexaundrea Nicole Smith, (like I said, I love blogger because I can say names.) but it would bother me to see another chick move on. And the effed up part about it is, I move on at the speed of grease lightening! Plus, our breaking up is my doing. . For any of them. And what's confusing is, I have great reasoning for leaving them so I don't want them back, I just. . Don't want to see them happy somewhere else? That can't be it. I'm not that fucked up of a person. Maybe I am. . Maybe it isn't fucked up at all. Maybe I'm living too much like a Christian, ignoring my inner voice/being. Telling me to live for Tr'Vel. The one who finds logic in telling someone what they need to hear. The one who sees friends dating friends at the age of 19 COMPLETELY fine. The one who loves interracial dating but wouldn't date a white woman if she was literally named the most perfect woman on earth. The one who. . aww shit you get the point. This world has created too many rules before me and I'm beginning to despise them. My heart is too big and my brain is too wide. I overthink and overreact, a dangerous combination. I've been holding in a lot. . Maybe u can tell, maybe you can't.

Great album.

okay, so it's official. I don't want to ever get married. I wouldn't mind spinning my lifetime with just one woman though. Also, I don't think I'm going to die anytime soon. Well I do, but I have begun to plan beyond it, so I can't afford to die too soon. I want my own. I want a son. I want to be completely independent. I've reached the state in which I feel like I'm a burden on everybody I live with. Unless I'm paying my way, I feel like, they feel like they own me. Fuck that.

Am I cheating on this woman if I'm getting naked pictures from another? I love her and I'm always gone want it. But let me be 100, see monogamy's redundant. . .

I HATE BEING SO IRRITATED.

"Drove"

What does it matter?! How many times will you show me off as your fucking bragging rights? Did I not make all your friends envious by my mere presence? Didn't I do what I was supposed to do? What's 15 minutes, really? Plus! You already heard the damn speech! Big Deal! Yes, you do a lot for me, but they're wants. I will not allow anyone to have a stick to beat my ass with and I'm nobody's puppet. There was no podium, which thru me off and it really didn't call for a speech. Anyway, fuck it. I hate disappointing people and I can't wait till the Fall when I will have my own place to stay. That's the only necessity you're taking care of, Really. I NEED THE FUCKING FALL TO COME!!!!!!! I WANT MY OWN PLACE! NOW THAT I HAVE MY OWN MONEY I DON'T NEED SHIT!

While there isn't nothing special about my schlong, there is something special about me. I'm starting to come to terms with that. I begun to realize that I'm in the process of making my life. No longer are we (my peers and I) kids relying on the phrase "When I grow up" but we are young adults who are watching some of our friends die and others get pregnant. This is our lives. Unfortunately, the aim of this post was not to make it a education rant. I've tarnished my exclusivity. Too often my word has been overturned. Too often I've gone back to a situation that I knew was faulty. Even more often I have given myself, physically, to a female partner who did not prove worthy. Yes, worthy. If women can put a worth on to their, sometimes, whack ass vagina, then I damn sure can put a wealth on my schlong. I've fallen into the habit of breaking promises to myself but I need not go around dipping my man in every wet jacuzzi. I need to have a sense of limit.

So, if you would like to give me head, I'll take it. But sex? If you're not my girlfriend, forget about it.

My life is a bad fucking joke right now.

The girl I (was) in love with leaves me for a nigga named Jesus. The girl I love tells me she loves me still. "Man I couldn't tell u where the fuck my head is, I'm holding on by thread, it's like I'm high right now."

Damn.

This confirms that I definitely do have feelings, man. I miss her so fucking much. Like I can't even pick my phone up to hit up another girl. She's who I want. I'm pretty sad right now.

She says. .

her heart is heavy.

I don't know what the FUCK happened, because it seemed we were so happy but she says her heart is heavy and she's asking me to skip workouts so we can talk 2mrw. Lord knows I hate missing workouts, and I hate these talks even more. My behavior has not been out of the ordinary, so I'm confused on what the topic would be. Maybe she feels we're moving too fast. Maybe she feels like she's losing herself. Maybe I'm to blame for that. I don't know. I'm pretty sure that's it though. And I don't mind slowing down. I know I'm not going to have sex with her so I really don't mind JUST kissing her. I'm really confused. I don't even know if I should hit her back or what. . fuck.

No turning back.

What started out as SayGoodbye2Hollywood, went to Welcome2myrecovery, became Recoverypostponed, then branched out to therecoverycontinues, and then fell to recoverypostponedx and somehow turned into lifeislongbekind. . . is dead. For good. You'd be surprised by how powerful the act of deleting is.

Girls are messy. .

Yo, man, you only have yourself to blame for messing with another popular chick, but she turned out to be more messy than I thought. I told her she can post what ever she wants and she posts that she had sex. lol I'm not going back on my word, Ma, post pictures if you want. I'm just SO fucking proud of the pains in my stomach, WHICH ARE NONEXISTENT, BITCH. haha I'm not even posting this to rant, I'm posting this because that really felt spiteful, but it backfired. It just helped me not care faster. I love it.

Okay Okay.

It brings a smile to my face to announce my return. Tumblr was very good to me and I may not discontinue my blog there, but I'm a Blogger at heart. =] Just reading back on my wit reminded me of the good old days. And the best part of blogspot is the low traffic, so I'm not expected to censor shit.

Day2Day is back, ladies and gents, Pull up a chair.