Oh I just can't waittttttttt

Till the time in which I don't think about you every day. I try to fantasize about the time that we're back together and we discuss this time apart but I can't. I'm getting pettier by the moment. Getting over you without hatred is hard. But I love myself more and I Need to keep hatred out of my heart. So this process will be long but it will be a one time thing.

Every night before I go to sleep

I think of you getting fucked and loving it. I'm obsessing. I get glimpses of you sucking a dick that doesn't belong to me and moaning like you've never had an orgasm before. I have walking nightmares of you pillow talking with some other male about my inadequacies. In and out of the bedroom. It's taking my all not to hate you. Because I can't help feeling like you feel like I'm watching every time that you're fucking him and you feel satisfaction in breaking my heart. Using every technique I taught you/or guided you in acquiring to further haunt my psyche. It's an act of God that I do not hate you. But how could I? You're only doing what I told you to do. What I BEGGED you to do. I all but physically pushed you in his arms and now I want to cry foul and say that you broke my heart and ask HOW? WHY? What caused you to do such a thing? Am I not a child to feel devastated by my own doing? Maybe. But something I do know is that, my life often imitates art. Our situation is that of Big Brother Almighty and Jane in School Daze. This was your last test. I was all but convinced that you were mine forever and that no fiber in you could even desire another man. As foolish as that is, I was almost convinced that I had found the one God sent for me. If you could hold out, just for a few more months. I would have come to you on bended knee. I mean, fuck.(1 of) your favorite movie(s) is The Notebook and Noah waited 7 years. and now. You're allowing another human being to stick his bare dick into your vagina. The walls of heaven have come crashing down around me. Truly. I put you on such a pedestal. One maybe you did not even want to be on, but it was out of your control. And for you to do this, revealed that you are not the woman I thought you were. The sucky part is that you have done nothing wrong or illogical in the slightest. There was no logic in waiting on me. But what I want you to remember is two things: 1. You told me people in between us don't matter. Once we're back together they vanish. 2. You told me that you don't get into RELATIONSHIPS without the mindset that you and that man are moving towards marriage. So what the fuck am I supposed to think by you making this person your boyfriend. and proclaiming that to me. Regardless of where my dick has been, I waited. I never fell for anyone. I never let anyone feel close. I never allowed anyone to feel like they could take your place. If they revealed to me that they did feel that way, I cut them from my life. I am Still waiting. But it all seems futile. This is all karma. I thought my karma would come in an innovative, metaphoric way, but you are just doing everything right back to me. And I am supposed to be on the other end waiting like you were. But i've never been so hurt by a woman in my life. I don't think I can forgive you. I damn sure can't forget you. I'm not coming to your fucking wedding. I have officially dropped the bullshit. I apologize for picking it up. I don't want you with anyone, in my mind we never broke up. Which perhaps is why this hurts so much. I just needed some time to grow. away from you. But I never said I didn't want you. and you get another fucking boyfriend. it's an act of God I do not hate you, girl. I never want to give someone else this power again. Fuck this feeling. I will heal because biology is real and people heal themselves. So fuck it. Thank you for making me stronger. *I want to tell you fuck you so much but I can't. so Peace. *I want to call you a bitch so badly but I can't. bye Tea.

The End of Era.

Maybe. After more than a decade of tireless dedication, I think it's finally over. Masturbation has become as frivolous as ironing a rope. (terrible analogy, but it was the first goodish one to come to mind.) I have been giving myself orgasms for Years, in some instances stating that it felt better than sex, but now it's not even worth the lotion I use. Maybe this is my punishment. Such a cruel cruel condemning from the Creator. I suspect that if ever I kill a man, I will lose my taste for music. Since it will be the equivalent of death anyway. I didn't find it necessary to blog here when I made it to Spain. I didn't find it necessary to blog here when I made it to Africa. But masturbation isn't enjoyable anymore, gotta write this down! haha terrible.

And I shall return Shaquille Sunflower

 Skip to 6:42

I've been searching for something that's not there and it fucking sucks.
I keep reaching out and getting slapped back down to reality. it's just not there.

I won't get very specific in this post because it gets deep and there's a void in many of the aspects of my life but I need help. I need

Relief.

I need revitalization.

I definitely may come back from Europe calling myself Sunflower or some shit. lol

but really.

Moral Schizophrenia

might as well be my middle name.

Fuck. 

So many things I'm moved to do and either don't know why I do or end up just hating the fact that I did it. 

Corny shit. 

Lame shit. 

Hurtful shit. 

Despicable shit. 

Dumb shit. 

Thirsty shit. 

Just things that if I harbor on for 2 minutes, I'm going to regret. I really don't like that I do it and do it so often. I really need to rectify the situation. 

Hopefully it will get better with time because I do it a lot less now. and I would like to think that I'm maturing.

BUT

the impulses are stronger when they occur. which could spell disaster. 

Today is June 13th.

I will be participating in a graduation ceremony at UCLA today. I will put on a gown and a hat that signify I have completed my degree. 

I don't understand what is happening. lol 

My emo post may follow this one but at this very moment I'm nearly speechless. I just cannot believe that I am finishing my undergraduate degree. I'm not super proud of myself to where I wear a fucking smirk everywhere I go. And I'm not going to downplay it enough to not attend the three ceremonies. 

But I really don't know how to feel. I know I have a cry in me though. I feel it. Because I'm happy. 

Yeah, I'm happy. 

laaa daaaaa da dahh